Happiness was not always a choice for me. I have suffered from severe depression for the vast majority of my life from 5-12 and 18-39. Not feeling sad, like the kind of depression that people die from. It was serious. For the first time in my life, however I have begun to have flashes where things are exactly the way they’re supposed to be. It’s a hard sensation to describe, as most people live in this state most of the time. With my depression came a sense of unreality where everything seemed amorphous, dangerous, and I, myself didn’t even feel real. Having glimpses of reality begin to “reset” and seem like a very pleasant and solid place was one of the nicest treats I have ever experienced.

However, the joys of leaving a deep depression keep coming. I recently found that I had the choice to be happy. We’ve all heard of it in self help books, but I realized that depression for me was the loss of the choice to feel good or not. I had a bit of a cry when I realized this, then returned to deciding to be happy, regardless of circumstances or past. I then realized that in mania (yeah this has not been dull) I developed the bad habit of doing and trying far too hard and far too much. It was appropriate at the time. I had to master about a dozen different disciplines in spirituality, science, and psychology in order to stay alive. Literally. It was that bad.

Of course the benefits are incredible, I can see the world from an unimaginable amount of perspectives and intersections and with ease, write books that simply no one else could. I became quite a resource and only now as my depression is starting to fade (I’ve published two short books in the week since I first saw reality the way that it’s clearly supposed to be) and they just flowed through me, it was completely effortless. In part because of my intense dedication to taoist principles over the past two dark decades, and in part because…that’s the way that things are supposed to feel. I feel this when I’m coaching as well. It’s an effortless work that replenishes more than it takes, if it takes any effort at all.

So I decided that this is the way life was meant to feel, and I decided to delete every habit from my habit tracker, because I noticed that if I do only one thing, decide to be happy, I naturally and effortlessly take care of everything else. It’s what the taoists refer to as “non-doing” In retrospect I remember learning this from the tao quite some time ago, and it took 21 years to regain the privilege to choose to simply be contented and happy, but it’s worth it, and it is both success in and of itself, and leads to other, less essential successes as well.